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Contemplations

Time seems to pass by ever so slowly. A day feels like an eternity.

It wasn’t like this before. Something just seems so…off.

It’s like I’m disconnected from the world…

For some unknown reason, I find myself feeling pretty…distant lately. I don’t know, I just don’t feel… all that well? I can’t really put my finger on it. I don’t feel bubbly and all that enthusiastic about things. I’ve been having this sort of predicament for the past few days, hoping it’d eventually just go away, but it doesn’t. Is this normal? I don’t know. I feel unusually sad. Why? Just what exactly is causing this? I’m entirely not in the mood for anything.

Maybe it has something to do with the visual novel I’m playing? I don’t know. Maybe. Though, I am the kind of guy who would easily be so absorbed by what he’s doing. Yeah, I guess that’s me. There are times when I feel as though the world I existed in was that of what was in front of me. A game, a movie, a book, an anime, a series. I would be so focused on what I’m drawn to that even my perception of reality starts to alter. I’d start to embody whatever character or life I’m spending time on. No, I don’t think that’s a very healthy situation, but, it happens nonetheless. My perception of reality and fantasy starts to collide against one another and, at times, I find it hard to even determine which is which.

Growing  up, I’ve always been into make-belief. I remember doing roleplays with my friends after watching a cartoon or movie. We would reenact certain scenes, maybe change the story, even add our own personalized characters into it. Huh, a child’s imagination. I guess that’s why I wanted to learn proper acting. So I could live someone else’s life.

As weird as it may be, I believe I’ve still retained much of those habits and imaginations. Maybe that’s why I constantly find myself speaking as though someone’s listening despite the absence of life in my room. Maybe, deep down, I’m just really insane? That’d be pretty creepy.

But I guess, that’s what insanity is, isn’t it? Having a different perception of reality than what is real? If that was the case, then exactly just how many are the sane people left here on Earth? Another question is, what is reality? If insanity was perceiving a different reality than what is true, then what exactly is truth? Who holds the right perception of reality? Obviously we can’t all have a different reality, because then all of us truly are insane in the eyes of each other. There must be an absolute truth to this world. Otherwise, the world would be in chaos due to the conflicting perceptions of reality.

Hmmm, I guess I’ve strayed pretty far from what I was initially talking about. But this is how it’s usually like inside my head. I’m sure most would be turned off to discover the thoughts and ideas playing inside my head, after all, they sound as though they are the notions of a mad man. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I don’t really care.

What I do know is that, despite the fact that I’m not alone, I feel lonely.

I don’t really know why.
I just do.

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