Friend

Contemplations
Do you like her?
No.

C'mon, I know you at least find her attractive.
Okay, fine, yes. Alright? I do find her attractive.
Then why don't you make a move on her?
What move?? 
Need I remind you that I don't know squat about dating and
being a player.
You just have to be yourself.
Well, that's the problem right there isn't it? I don't know myself.
What?
I don't know who I am.
Wait... What? How could you not know who you are??
I just don't. 
I wear different masks everyday. 
I wore it so often that I've forgotten the face beneath it.
How could you forget who you are??
The same way you could believe a lie after you hear it 
a number of times.
Is that why you never asked anybody out?
Maybe. 
I don't know. 
I just have a lot of conflicting ideas regarding dating 
and relationships.
Well, do enlighten me then.
It's...complicated.
Then tell me what it is and I'll help you sort it out.
You don't have to. I'm fine the way I am.
No you're not.
Yes, I am.
No. You're not.
Why? What exactly is so wrong with how I am now??
You're lonely.
How would you know?
Because I'm you.
That doesn't prove anything.
It does, because as you're writing this, your chest is aching. 
Your heart is constricting.
I'm not lonely.
Yes, you are. It's fine to be, every now and then at least.
Tell me then, why am I lonely?
I don't know.
I thought you were me? Why can't you tell me why I feel this way?
Because my answers are just as limited as yours.
...
Why are you sad Ben?
...
I've always been sad.
Even back in highschool, 
I felt like I didn't really belong anywhere. 
I felt like an outcast. 
I had friends, but.. I don't know. 
Even now, I still wonder at the whole concept of friendship. 
What makes a friend?

I had a friend once, back when I used to live in my hometown. 
We used to play everyday, but when my dad was transferred and 
we followed after, our communication stopped. 
Are we still friends? 
Would you still consider us as friends?

A number of years pass by and I eventually lived a whole new life.
I didn't forget my past, but I didn't cling to it either. 
After how many Christmas, we finally saw one another again. 
It was..underwhelming. 
I discovered that his mother died and, to make up for the loss, 
he had to stop schooling and work to help his father make ends 
meet. 
That was tragic. 
What's even more tragic is my inability to console him or 
bridge the gap that has formed throughout the years we've been 
apart. 
He felt so distant. 

As if the physical distance was not enough to alienate us, 
here comes another irreconcilable difference that does nothing 
but pull us farther from where we already were.

Regardless of all those years, he still called me his 
"best friend". 
That left a pang in my heart. 
Not because I felt the same, but rather quite the opposite. 
As cruel as I may sound, it was the bitter truth. 
I didn't feel the same way. 
Our time apart and lack of communication has taken a toll on 
our friendship and estranged me from him.
I felt guilty.

He gave me his cellphone number, but I never replied to his 
messages. I've never even added him nor searched for him on 
Facebook. 
Heartless.
I'd like to believe that's what I am. 
I don't hate the man, but.. 
I just don't want to dwell on the past.
You don't want to befriend him because he weighs you down.
No, that's not it. It's just.. we've grown apart.
No, that's what you like yourself to believe, but deep down, you 
know that you just don't want to be dragged down with him. 
Why do you look down on him? 
Just because you are where you are now, you can look down on 
others? 
Don't you dare forget where you came from!
I NEVER FORGOT WHERE I CAME FROM! 
I never forget anything that reminds me 
of how worthless and pathetic I am. 
I never forget any of those. 
Yes, I'm a heartless and cruel man. 
I don't deny that. 
Do I regret it? 
A part of me does, a part of me doesn't. 
These twists and turns of fate in our lives.. 
How was I supposed to react to that??
You were supposed to be a friend to him! 
You were supposed to be their for him! 
To catch up on things and reminisce on the good old days!
What good does that do? 
Think about it for a moment, 
do I tell him of how awesome it is to finish college when he 
wasn't even able to finish highschool? 
What the hell do I talk to him about?
How life is good when we were transferred? 
When everything went uphill as I grew up, while his went down? 
How do you think that would've turned out? 
How do you think he would've felt? 
How could I be happy when people around me are suffering?? 
How could I speak of joy and wonders when people are mourning?? 
Won't they just compare themselves, their situation, then end 
up hating their lives? 
It's as if I'm adding insult to injury. 
They don't need that.
How do you know that that's how they'd feel? 
What makes you so sure that that's how they'd react? 
You don't know what's going to happen. 
You don't know how things will be. 
What you CAN do is be there for them. 
Regardless of their state, make known to them that they have a 
friend they can rely on. 
Unless..
they really can't rely on you.
You make it sound so simple. As if everything is fine and dandy.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS! 
You're overthinking things and taking into consideration things 
you have no control over! 
You're worrying over things that may or may not even happen. 
Ben, I know you mean well, but you can't keep doing this. 
On your effort on thinking about others, you end up doing quite 
the opposite. 
You end up building a wall between you and the people around you.

You know why you're lonely? 
Because you overthink things. 
Look, I'm not saying that I have all the answers to your questions,
but, at least for now, don't think too much about it. 
You have friends. 
You're not an outcast. 
You're not alone. 
I don't believe you are heartless nor cruel, well, maybe at times
you are, but I believe deep down, you have a soft and gentle heart.
After all, I know you're constantly plagued by your guilt 
and regret. 
Ben, cheer up. You're not alone.
I didn't really look down on him, you know? 
It's just..I didn't know how to deal with it, 
so, to stop it from bothering me... 
I ended up not caring about it....

...I still believe I am heartless.
And now you're struggling with the idea of whether you should have
friends or not.
How could I have friends when I've done that? 
What if I do it again? 
What makes me so sure that I won't? 
What if I end up hurting others again?
You're really scared of yourself, huh?
Only because I can't trust myself with anyone.
You're scared of hurting them. Or them hurting you.

Sigh. Look, for now, don't think about those things. 
Just..do your best to be a good friend. 
Care about people. 
Love them.
When the time comes, we'll deal with it. Together.

Okay?
Okay.
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