Here’s an interesting question:
Why haven't you had a girlfriend yet?
To tell you the truth, I had already. Two, so far.
Let me tell you about the first one:
She was the new girl in school and, for obvious reasons, all the guys are talking about her.
Why? What's the obvious reason?
Well, to be frank, she's got a nice rack. So, yeah.
Anyways, I knew her back then from church. We weren’t close, but I’ve always found her attractive and wished to grow closer to her. So, seeing this opportunity, I introduced myself and befriended her.
I tell myself that I did because I hate the thought of the guys lusting after her and wanted to protect her from them.
Maybe I did do it for those reason, but I tend to antagonize myself and think that I did it for selfish reasons. So, yeah, you be the judge.
We became seatmates and grew to become close friends pretty fast. We’d always hang out and spend time together. Lunch, recess, even when going home, I accompany her until she’s picked up by their driver. Basically, every minute of the day, I spent with her.
After a few months, I confessed to her.
It was a stupid way of confession, I don’t recommend that you do what I do. I told her through text that I love her… *scroll down* as a sister.
Yes, that's how horrible it was. I know.
So, I forgot how it all went down, but I do remember asking her what she thought. She said, usually, when a guy confesses to her, if she liked him back, she’d smile. So, then, I asked, “Well? Did you smile?” She said “Yeah” accompanied by a smile.
After that, I was the happiest man on Earth. I couldn’t believe that a girl like her would ever like a guy like me, yet here we are. It was pure bliss and ecstasy.
We’d constantly text and call each other. Back then, when Yahoo! Messenger was still popular, we’d always chat and, sometimes, even video chat. I even made her custom Friendster and Multiply themes (back when it was still cool). I’d write poems about her and compliment her everyday. I loved her so much that I’d even avoid looking at pretty girls at the mall because I know that she is more than enough for me.
She was my first girlfriend and everything was just perfect.
I remember when I first held her in my arms. We were in a youth meeting and she went outside to the restroom. As she was returning, I left the room, and we met just outside the door.
Time suddenly stopped.
I looked into her hazel eyes and I fell in love with her all over again. We were never alone before, but there, in that lonely corner, we’re the only two souls left in the world. Before any of us could utter a word, I pressed my lips against hers and hugged her as if it was the last thing I could do. I remember how tightly I embraced her. For the first time ever in my life, I was able to hold the woman that I loved without any restriction or any form of hesitation. I wanted to live in that moment forever.
As the time slowly resume the ticking of its hands, I gently kissed her once again, releasing her from my arms, and told her that I love her. With that, she returns to the room as I leave to drink a glass of water.
I was so in love with her.
After that incident, we’d find ourselves reliving those moments over and over again. We grew closer and bolder. We’d do it in the classroom after school hours, when everyone has left already.
Just hugging and kissing. You perv.
Everything was going great, until our parents found out.
My mom discovered a note my girlfriend wrote me and she was furious.
She told my dad, my dad told my girlfriend’s parents, and all hell breaks loose.
We were forbidden to see one another.
Which was pretty stupid considering that we attend the same highschool and were seatmates. Still, we had to lessen our interaction with one another.
It hurt like shit.
They can't do this. I love her so much. Just what exactly did we do wrong?!
I couldn’t eat with her, I couldn’t hangout with her for too long, I couldn’t even stay with her ’til her ride picks her up.
It’s like that song:
Am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted comes with a price?
Even the topics during Sunday sermons and Youth events were all about relationships. It was also by that time that are Dgroup leaders adviced us to read Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
After a somewhat long on and off stage, we decided to really end the relationship. We figured that maybe if we obey God now, maybe He’d give us the desires of our hearts and bring us back to one another once again someday.
Well, maybe I figured it out that way.
Two months after the legitimate break up, she has another MU.
What the actual fuck?!
Yeah, apparently she’s all too used to these kinds of things. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised since I wasn’t necessarily her first. But still.
FUCK! What the hell? What the fuck happened to "we'll wait for one another"?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??
Life’s a bitch.
The next school year was riddled with awkwardness and depression. I spent so much time with her that I’ve neglected all my previous friends. I was estranged from my own circle. I felt bitter and alone. Coincidentally, everyone seems to be pairing up that year.
I mean, seriously??
Everyone’s getting a girlfriend, a boyfriend. Everyone. Except me.
I was hoping to go to the prom with my now ex-girlfriend before, so I asked her. She said I was too late and that someone already asked her before I did.
What the hell? It's the start of the school year! Who the fuck was able to out-first me??
Turns out, it was her “bestfriend” who asked her a day before, which happened to be her birthday.
"Bestfriend" because I don't really trust that guy all too much. I mean, he's known as chickboy in our batch and he's been hitting on her (chancing) for a while. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, she's fucking oblivious to his advances and entertains them.
Fuck this shit.
Yeah, and guess what, I found the perfect song to match that incident:
We are who we were when.
Could’ve been more, but at least you’re still my day late friend.
Any chances of going out with her is now gone. Just like that. All that happened before, crushed and, it’s pieces, blown away by the winds of change.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
life’s a bitch.
I tried to salvage what friendship might remain between us, but, no, she isn’t responsive. It’s like I’m talking to a fucking wall. One question, one answer. That’s that. No more, maybe even less.
She’s moving on quite nicely.
Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost is a fucking masochist. That's bullshit. I'd rather feel nothing than feel what I'm feeling now.
There I was sulking in what if‘s and could’ve been‘s, all the while everyone around me is all gooey and lovey dovey.
That was a tough year for me. That year, I discovered the true face of love and the pain that accompanies it. I also realized how alone I really was. After I lost her, I was left with practically nothing. I had to rebuild friendships from scratch all over again. I needed to do a lot of catching up and update myself with the latest happenings in the lives of my friends. There was so much area to cover. It was hard.
I think that was partly the reason why I think I haven’t built any lifelong friendships with anyone. I was in the process of it, but it was interrupted. When trying to get it back up again, it wasn’t the same anymore. It’s as though as if it was too late.
Even until now, I still have a hard time grasping the whole concept of friendship. And there’s no one to blame, but myself.
Looking back, I think I’ve learned quite a lot from the experience. And with all the couples pairing up in my group of friends, I was able to share a thing or two to them about relationships and whatnot.
I was able to find another date for the prom and I realized that it’s for the best that she didn’t became my partner. Well, for one, it would’ve been hella awkward. Super. Two, she’s taller than me, so, it would’ve still sucked. In the end, I went with another girl in my circle of friends. There wasn’t anything between us, but despite that, I had fun.
Maybe that’s all you really need in life, a place where you belong.
Eventually, my ex broke up with the guy she’s dating. She was finally convicted. By me. Yeah. Haha. She asked for advice and, well, I told her what I learned–that it wasn’t right time then.
Now, I’ve moved on from all of it. We still see each other once in a while, but the friendship never really got back to how it was. I wonder if there ever really was a friendship to begin with. Maybe it just all superficial and fictional. Who knows.
As for me, I don’t really give a shit.
I’m done trying to get back to her life. If she doesn’t want me then so be it. I won’t waste time on a pointless endeavor.
In the end,
no hard feelings, but that’s just life.