I won't look for a girlfriend until I have a stable job, my own house, and driving my own car.
That was what I told myself back then when I was still a kid.
What an idiot.
Yeah, I was. The naive idealism of a child.
Reality check, life’s harder than that. It pretty hard for one to get a job nowadays, even harder to own a house and a car.
Back then, I was pretty.. idealistic, for lack of better word. I held myself in high regards for having such a strong conviction even at such a young age. I was happy to have figured it out and held on to that belief.
My view on things back then is very different to how I view things now. Mainly because, back then, I thought everything was so simple. But now.. now, I just can’t seem to make my mind up anymore.
One thing’s for sure tho, I was a hopeless romantic. I still am until now, but I was even worse back then.
I remember counting all my crushes ever since I was born and they didn’t even exceed the number of fingers I had in my hands.
So? What does that have to do with anything?
Well, the significance of that is that I was loyal to them. I’ve had the same crush for how many years and I was proud of it. That I could like someone for such a long time, that I could like her more and more each day and never grow tired of her. That I could be dedicated to her and admire her, even if it was just at a distance. To be able to feel that way for her was more than enough for me. But, of course, I still dreamed that I could be with her someday.
So basically, you're friendzoned.
Well, yeah, but c’mon, you’re taking the romance away from that. Besides, I’d rather be her friend than not even be part of her life.
Wait, so where exactly does your intro statement come into this?
Chill, I’m getting there.
As I was saying, I pride myself in being fiercely loyal…
In all honesty, I don’t really know where I’m going with this.
But I just want someone to know what I used to be like back then even if no one ever really asks.
We weren’t allowed to have girlfriends before, what with all the school first priorities and whatnot. So, that thinking was pretty soldered deep into my subconsciousness. I developed that conviction that I won’t get a girlfriend until I have a job, my own house, my own car, and etc. I told myself I would only get one if I’m already capable of supporting and raising a family with her.
That’s how I used to think as a kid back then.
I held strongly on that belief and resolve. It was pretty easy actually. Might be because I’m not really the most popular kid in school. Girls aren’t exactly lining up for the guy they might step on. But still, I felt proud that I had that sort of commitment & achievement, insignificant as it may be.
Now, there came a time that I was so into someone. I was heads over heels for her. The very mention of her name would bring a smile on my face and I’d get butterflies on my stomach. We were churchmates and we’re the same age! That’s actually pretty rare since the church was fairly new at that time and there weren’t many kids around. I was excited to see her every Sunday. I wanted to talk to her and spend time with her. I think everyone knew that I had a crush on her. I hope she didn’t tho, despite my obviousness. “-_-
So, I’ve had a crush on her for the longest I could imagine, then her birthday came. We were friends already by then, I don’t know if you could call us close, but I don’t think we were. Maybe we used to? I don’t know. As far as I could tell, we were at least friends. More than acquaintances, but less than best friends. It’s pretty vague, but yeah.
Anyways, so her birthday came up and I wanted to give her a special something.
Now this is big because I’ve never given her anything up to that point. Heck, I’ve never given anyone anything for that matter! So, me giving a gift to her would definitely be something big. We were on vacation that time and I wanted to give her something as a souvenir to mask the concept of it being a gift.
So.. I bought a teddy bear.
...a teddy bear?
HOW IN THE WORLD DOES THAT COUNT AS A SOUVENIR??
I.. don’t know. I was stupid. Hahahaha.
You saved up to buy her a teddy bear??
No, I actually ask my brother to buy it for me..
... I can't even.
Anyways, since my brother doesn’t really want to stir something up, he bought the one where it says “friends forever.”
As if being friendzoned wasn’t enough.
So, everything’s all set and ready to go.
But then my head went to overdrive.
I started to think what giving the gift would mean.
Regardless of whether it was a souvenir or not, you can’t hide the fact that it was no ordinary gift. What would this mean to her? What would this mean to us? Would it change our whole dynamic? Does this mean I want to be more than friends with her? Well, yeah, I do, but does that mean that I want her to be my girlfriend?? Would it lead to that? Would she think that way? Would she assume that? Would that cross her mind? It has to right? I mean, why would someone, who’s never given anything to anyone, suddenly give her something? It has to have something behind it right? It has to be moving towards that direction? Right? Right?? RIGHT?!
And there I’ve blown a fuse.
I decided that I wouldn’t give it to her.
Back then, one thing was clear on my mind:
you get into relationships because you want to marry that person. You don’t go into relationships for the heck of it, and, when you’ve had your fill, jump out. You should never do relationships half-heartedly. You’re dealing with other people’s hearts and lives after all.
I wasn’t sure where it was all going. We were too young to know for sure. Besides, doing so would break my promise to myself. It was too early. I do want to marry her, but I’m not sure whether this will hold true through the remaining years we had to finish before we could actually get married.
Relationships were big decisions in life. One that shouldn’t be taken so lightly.
And so, with that, I withheld the gift from her.
I just greeted her a happy birthday on her special day and wished her a great one.
My feelings for her didn’t really change after that. I still admired her and had a crush on her. Well, until I met my first love.
So what happened to the gift?
Well, I’ve decided to keep it.
For now, at least.
Until I find the one I’m really going to marry 🙂