A careless whisper of affection is all it takes to stir trouble inside my beating heart.
I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t been taking good care of my heart.
I’ve fallen in love more times than I could count, though I do not know whether you could actually call that love.
You know that bubbly feeling you get that starts at the pit of your stomach and works its way up stopping right just at the tip of your tongue, but, nonetheless, you can’t hold it in and you just want to burst out and shout? This overwhelming sensation that you just want to throw your arms around and scream at the top of your lungs because of the pressure built up inside? It makes your heart beat faster, chokes you off your words, and just, all in all, makes it harder for you to breathe?
I don’t know how else to describe it: “Kilig”. That’s a Filipino word which I haven’t found the perfect English counterpart of. It’s like butterflies in your stomach, and feeling gooey and all lovey dovey inside, but more than that. I can’t explain it. I think that’s the best I could do.
So yeah, that’s how I feel. For a lot of people. I don’t know if that’s normal, maybe it is, but still, I feel like because of that, I don’t know if I’m really wholeheartedly into a person. What if all this is just mere infatuation? What makes it doubtful is because these feelings and sensations, they all come and go.
The thing is, when I feel this way towards someone, I start to imagine my life with them. I imagine going on dates with them, holding their hands, watching the sunset, stargazing, I imagine doing couple stuff with them even when were not even dating yet. I obsess over them. The more I obsess, the more I find myself falling for them.
I find myself delusional because of that and it’s just horrible. For a moment, you think it’s all real. You start to think that you’re in love with them, and them you. You plan about the future, you start to imagine life with them, and when you’re deep inside the recesses of your mind, you start to remember that none of this is true and you’re slapped in the face by reality. Having experienced that your heart aches with pain. Electric pulses flow all over my body. There’s a pang in your chest that just makes you want to rip your heart out and just stop yourself from feeling things ever again. You’re awoken by this sudden realization that it’s all in your head. Mere fantasy. None of it is real.
And there you are, left brokenhearted by the one whose heart was never even yours to begin with.
I’ve felt this way time and time again.
And I hated it.
I hated the absurdity of it all.
But, what’s more, I hated the ridiculous heart aches it brought.
So, to rid myself of the pain, I stop myself from falling in love.
I question the whole concept of it.
Are you sure it's real?
What if you're only feeling things because you're constantly thinking about it?
What if these emotions are merely self-inflicted? That you're trying to force yourself to feel this way?
Do you really like her? Or are you just convincing yourself that you do? What if it's just a placebo effect?
My mind is barraged by such questions, trying to find the root cause of why this is. But, sadly, it never really helped me find an answer. The more I questioned it, the more I doubted my heart.
Why do my feelings come and go? Why is it not consistent?
Why can't I see where this is going?
I couldn’t answer those questions. The only conclusion I came up with was that I wasn’t really in love. But, is that really the right answer? Do I not love them? Surely if one of them were to return my love, then I’d give my whole heart to her and her alone. But, am I really giving my whole heart? If I couldn’t find the answers to those questions, can I even consider it as loving her wholeheartedly?
Those questions nagged at me continuously. I kept asking more and more questions trying to figure out why I am in such a state.
As a consequence of my constant disruption of my emotions, I’ve come to realize that I’ve forgotten how it is to fall in love.
I don’t know what’s real and what’s make believe anymore.
I don’t know if I’m really in love with a person or I’m merely convincing myself that I am.
I doubt my own sincerity.
I doubt my own heart.
The more I think about it, the more it drives me insane. I can’t even fathom the concept of love anymore. How do you even know if you’re in love? What does it mean to be in love? Does love come and go? Am I the only one having problems with this? Why am I in such a state? Why can’t I be normal? What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am paralyzed.
Paralyzed by the fear that I would enter a relationship halfheartedly and end up breaking people’s hearts, and in turn, having my own broken.
I want to love. Really, that’s all I ever wanted.
But, now, I just don’t know how to anymore.