Z

Contemplations, Daily Life

The whole duration of the KTV session was super tense.

I was honestly battling against myself whether or not I’d tell you.

At one point, I’ve decided not to tell you. I figured I’d just carry the secret with me to the grave. I kept asking others on what they’d do if they were presented a similar situation.

I didn’t want to tell you because I’m trying to figure what’s the point of it. I knew that we couldn’t be together, so what’s the point of making it known to you?

There are so many things flying through my mind. So many questions I want to answer. But I think these two are at the top of it.

First off, and maybe the ultimatum of the two:

Why we can’t be together.

We have to have the same belief system. I mean, there’s really no easy way of saying this, but I can’t be with you because we don’t have the same religion. This one’s pretty hard to explain, but I hope Chua could explain it for you.

It’s one of the things I’m pretty adamant about. I mean, all relationships either end in break up or marriage right? Well, marriage is a lifetime commitment, and I just can’t not have God’s blessing on it.

 

Next is my uncertainty with my own heart.

Right now, I’m just really confused with what and how I feel. I’ve talked about it in a previous post (Careless Whisper), and I’m scared. I don’t trust my heart well enough with yours. I’m scared that I might end up breaking it and hurting you. I’m scared because I’m so full of uncertainties. I don’t ever want to hurt you.

I want to love you. I really do. But I didn’t say those three words last night because I don’t just want to say them, I want to mean them. Honestly speaking, I want to hold your hands, brush your hair, embrace you in my arms, I want to comfort you, to spoil you. But, I can’t.

What good would it do? I know that we can’t be. It’s like playing pretend, but only that the moment it ends, the pain is very real. I want to live in the moment with you, but I can’t stop myself from looking towards the future and asking myself where this is all headed.

Sometimes I imagine the possibility of us acting like a couple and not caring what the future holds. But, that’s very selfish of me. True, I get what I want, but what about you?  What about your wants? I’m sure you want the commitment to lead somewhere. And that’s what I couldn’t offer.

I don’t know if I’m scared of commitments, but by the looks of things, I might as well conclude that I am. I’m scared that I can’t see what the future holds.

I know it’s very selfish of me to do this. This is why I didn’t want to tell you, but I felt like I needed to tell you.

I wanted you to know, that at some point in time, you’ve captured my heart.

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