Drowning

Contemplations

I’m drowning in my own thoughts of countless scenarios and possibilities. The what if’s, could’ve been’s, should have’s, and shouldn’t have’s of life.

Honestly, my upbringing has fucked with my way of thinking regarding relationships.

The concept of perfection is so deeply ingrained in my subconscious that I can’t seem to accept the idea of starting without the end result in mind.

I grew up around the ideology, that relationships doesn’t necessarily have to end in marriage, but it must start with the intention of it.

If you already foresee the end resulting in failure due to lack of passion from the very get go, would you still pursue and risk it all declaring YOLO?

I can’t seem to convince myself that you don’t have to be wholehearted about it at the beginning. That you can just wing it and cross the bridge when you get there.

I’m really struggling with these. A part of me is trying to believe that, but it weighs so heavily upon my chest.

I wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend back when I was still studying. I feel as tho, because of that, I can’t shake marriage thing off of my head.

When you’re still a student and you enter in a relationship, it’d take you years before you can actually get married. At minimum, maybe 4 if you started around your freshman year. During that time, you’re allowed to fawn, fall, and fail. But when you’ve graduated, you lose that sense of a time limit. Back then you’re allowed to do that because you’re young and stupid and your whole life is ahead of you. But now, when you’re old and time is against you, can you still play games and experiment with your heart? And if so, how long would you do this?

How long do you date before you have to seal the deal? Or how long does it take before you realize that this isn’t going anywhere? How long does it take for you to know your partner well enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them? What are the milestones and checkpoints in life? How do you know if you’re doing the right thing? How do you know if this is really it?

Everything is just so broad, open, and vague. It’s so full of uncertainties.

I don’t get why I’m so scared to try and risk it all. I just don’t understand the discomfort I feel at the pit of my stomach whenever I imagine the possibilities.

I try to foresee the future, but it all feels so unnatural.

I feel as though I’m looking at these things in the wrong perspective. I don’t know, but my vision is pretty narrow and limited right now. I just really want to understand it all.

Is this normal? Is it normal to feel this way? Does everyone go through with this? I wish people would help me sort out of my dilemma and my frustrations. It’s killing me.

Please. Somebody. Anybody. Save me.

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