Questions

Contemplations

Damn it, why did things turn out like this?

Why couldn’t have we fallen in love while we were in college?

Why couldn’t have we confessed to each other then?

Why is this happening now?

 

Why have we grown apart?

Why are we separated by distance and time?

Why are you there? Why am I here?

Why aren’t we together?

Why did things turn out like this?

 

What exactly do I want to hear from you?

What exactly did I expect?

What do I want to happen?

What do you want to happen?

 

Did I make the right choice last night?

Damn it, it hurts so fucking bad.

Why can’t I let go of you?

Why do I still cling to you?

Why do I hold my pillows at night wishing it was you?

Why do I keep reliving countless scenarios of us together?

Why do I keep exploring the different possibilities of us?

Why do I want to hold you and never let go of you?

Why did I say what I said last night?

 

What was I afraid of?

Why couldn’t I picture our future together?

Why was I uncertain of my own feelings for you?

Why did I say no?

 

Damn it. Damn it. DAMN IT! Damn it all to oblivion!

Just. Why?

 

I want to hear your thoughts.

I want to hear your side.

I want to hear what you want.

I want to hear your voice.

 

Are you okay with this?

Are you okay with any of this?

 

What would you have done if you were in my place?

What would you have chosen?

Would you have been okay with charting the unknown?

Would you have taken the risk?

 

It would’ve been a long distance relationship.

Were you okay with that?

Could we have survived that?

 

Would it have been alright with you if your heart would be broken in the future?

 

I hate how text messages seems so insensitive and impersonal when in reality you’re just about to break down and burst into tears.

I stared onto that blinding screen, spacing out as the cursor blinked on and off. Trying to imagine all the different outcomes and scenarios. Trying to understand my motives, my reasoning, and my emotions. Trying to find the right answer to the only question that mattered. It felt like forever. And even now, I’m not sure if I answered correctly.

 

If you were to decide in my place, what choice would you have taken?

I honestly wish to know because I don’t think I made the right choice.

Could the choice still be nulled and void?

 

Then you replied.

It was gut wrenching.

In a split of a second, that was that. It was all over.

No. It can’t be over. It couldn’t have been that quick. No. No. What? No.

I couldn’t believe it.

What the hell just happened?

What the hell is happening?

Why is this happening?

 

Did you mean that?

Did you say that without hesitation?

It was so cold and bitter.

I guess I was to blame because my text was in a similar format.

But, damn it, is this really it?

 

What happened to us?

Why have become estranged to one another?

Would things be different if we weren’t so far away?

 

By then, all my reasoning as to why I said no seemed to no longer matter. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t care anymore. It was over. It was the end. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I never want to love again. This is exactly why I didn’t want to feel things. Because it all ends in pain and suffering.

 

I lost you. In the worst way possible.

 

And now, I wonder if you would’ve fought for me if you were in my place. If you were the one to make the decisions.

Is it all too late now?

 

Sigh. Maybe it’s all for the best.

You deserve someone better.

You deserve someone who’s sure of what he’s doing and has a plan that involves both of your future. You deserve someone who loves you without a shadow of a doubt. You deserve someone who could make you happy.

 

I guess the only question now is,

how do we go on from here?

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