Okay, so this one dates pretty far back.
It’s that time of the year when pigs are roasted, cows are slaughtered, and teenagers go out to get drunk, wasted, & possibly end up pregnant.
It’s the holidays!
As you might not know, I’ve never drank alcohol before. I shit you not. Okay, maybe I’ve taken a sip back then when I was a kid, but that was the only time.
No, wait, actually there was another time, but, nah. I'll save that story for next time.
Anyways, so I rarely drink alcohol.
Well, because I'm a Christian who have strict Christian parents.
Wait, aren't you allowed to drink, just not get drunk?
Technically, yes, but we're also asked to be beyond reproach and not cause others to stumble. Trust me, I've used that argument before.
Anyways, so basically, I’m not allowed to drink.
Now, here’s where it gets interesting:
Our company is having a year end event. Coincidentally, my parents are out of town by then. You pretty much get the picture. When the cat is away, the mouse comes out to play.
I got to the event and the setup was pretty huge. It was like some sort of music festival. We had chairs and dining tables at the back, and an awesome concert stage way up in front. Each table had a bottle of vodka, tequila(? I’m not sure, I don’t drink), and other hard drinks. In the middle of the stage & the dining place was a pretty large empty space for partying and wild fun. Finally, at the sides, there were all-you-can-drink cocktail bars and photobooths.
The place was pretty epic. I was stoked.
This is it! This is the night I get to let loose my inner wild child!
And so, the night begins.
For the first time in my life, I started drinking like crazy. I didn’t really like the taste of it (hell, who does??), but I didn’t care. I wanted to go wild and have fun. I even went out and drank this flaming shot glass thing!
See, the reason why I drank that night is because I wanted to experience those things I see on the movies & tv. You know, where people get drunk and just go out there and make out with a hot chick. Just living their life not giving a fuck. I wanted to experience that. I wanted to not overthink things or not care whether I get slapped in the face for groping a scantily clad woman. Just for one night in my life, I want to experience living life without any fucks to give.
But that’s not what happened.
I thought that when you get drunk, you won’t care about the consequences anymore. That all your inhibitions and limitations will suddenly break off, and you’re free to do whatever it is you ever wanted. Your common sense, your values, your morals won’t hinder you anymore from doing something you would normally be against with.
But that’s not how it works. At least, not with me.
Maybe it’s because I wasn’t passed out wasted, but, still, it wasn’t what I was expecting. I was still aware of my surroundings, what’s happening, and what I’m doing. When I got drunk, I actually cared more about the consequences. I knew that if I do certain things, I would regret it. And that being drunk was no excuse to do stupid shit.
Not only that, I lost interest in everything. I didn’t want to party, I didn’t want to drink anymore, I didn’t want to go out there & hit on girls, or steal a kiss or two. I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts.
I started to question my motive behind everything.
Why am I here? What's so fun about these things? I know I won't get laid tonight, hell, my standards are way out of my league. The only way for me to achieve that is if I were to settle, and I don't want that. If I were to go for those out of my league, I don't know what to say. I can't just go over there and grab a feel of their bodies. That's a sure way to get sued for sexual assault. Damn it, all of this is too much hassle. I just have to accept the fact that I'm not cutout for this sort of stuff. This isn't my world.
And there I was, standing in the middle of the dancing crowd, music roaring, colorful lights flickering, as I gazed up at the sky wondering what’s the point in all of this.
I stood there for like about five seconds until someone bumped me, encouraging me to dance and have fun. I smiled, looked at them, and attempted to dance. Trying to brush away the thoughts lingering inside my head.
You don't even know how to dance.
You're right. What the hell am I even doing?
I tried to pretend that I was having fun until I couldn’t take the hypocrisy anymore and left the dance floor. I went back to the dining place and just sat there, looking at the wild crowd having fun and having a blast. I wondered why I couldn’t enjoy that scenery, till I was interrupted by my coworker, asking me if I was okay.
Yeah, I’m fine. Just had too much to drink.
But that’s not really what happened. I remember contemplating about my then current sensation. I was making observations about what it feels like to get drunk and complaining how it wasn’t what I thought it would be.
Trust me, at that point of drunkenness, you’re actually still quite able to comprehend what’s going on around you. You’re able to make sober judgments and decisions. Quite ironic to use sober there, but, maybe because I was still sober. I don’t know what it’s like to be totally wasted, but I don’t know. Can you call me drunk at that point in time, I believe so. Hell, my eyes were flickering and refocusing every fucking minute. My body temperature was rising and I was flushed as a tomato.
I think the scenario was pretty annoying since my coworker got pissed at me for grumbling too much to the point that she was asking me why I even drank when this was the obvious result.
Well, one, I thought I wouldn't give a damn about anything by this point. Two, can I not be excused to make a fucking mistake for once in my fucking life?!
No, seriously, I was pretty annoyed at the statement she made back then. I mean, yes, I understand her and she’s right. But, come on, I rarely get to do this. I’m a human being for fuck’s sake, allow me to make mistakes and bad decisions! It’s like asking a child why he disobeyed when he knows its wrong. Or asking someone why you sin when you know what you’re doing is a sin. Don’t be so fucking uptight right now.
That’s what I thought of it at the moment, at least. Of course I didn’t say that, that would only cause unnecessary trouble. Besides, I just wanted to know what it’s like when I’m drunk.
I remember punching the ground in my frustration.
Why were you frustrated?
Well, because it all feels like a dream, only that I was aware that it wasn’t. I feel invincible, like I can do whatever it is I want, but I knew that that wasn’t the case. I knew that whatever I was feeling was a big fat fucking lie. And that frustrated me because I wanted to go back to reality. I wanted to see things clearly again. I didn’t want to live the lie. I wanted to go back to the realm of sober & “clearheadedness.”
Well, the good news is that I wasn’t alone. Misery loves company as they say. My other coworkers were drunk as well.
Oh yeah, there was also this girl I had a crush on. My coworkers were urging me to confess to her already, but I didn’t want to.
Well, because I wasn’t sure of myself. My attraction for her comes and goes, and I couldn’t just confess to her half-heartedly. Besides, I didn’t think she felt the same way for me. They kept asking me why won’t you tell her already? And I told them it’s because I don’t think that I really do like her. I wasn’t crazy for her in the sense that I’d melt in the sight of her. No, it was more like, I’ve fallen for her because of the times we’ve spent together. Which I get pretty often with anyone I spend enough time with. Which is also why it wasn’t a trustworthy feeling.
Near the end, it was pretty clear that she’s drunk beyond reasonable doubt. She’s talking in a different pattern than she normally would. I think we were “hot-seated” at that time, and not wanting to give in to the nudges of the group, she just ended up complimenting me and telling me that I was a good kid and a good friend.
Yes. I was a friend.
Well, I wasn’t really expecting anything more than that, so no harm done.
Oh, I remember, she was about to leave that time, that’s why she gave that speech. So, as she was about to leave, I gave her a farewell hug. I held her tightly in my arms, soldering the moment in my brain. As we break away from each other, I smiled and waved her goodbye.
Well, that’s pretty much the highlight of the year end. I got drunk and I was friendzoned.
The day after was our flight back to my hometown. Luckily, I didn’t experience any hangover. What I did experienced and worried me was that my upper right abdomen was hurting. It was an irregular pain. One moment it’s there, the next, it’s gone. I couldn’t pinpoint what position it was that triggers the effect, but I think it was pretty random.
I was scared because I googled it and discovered that the upper right abdomen is where your liver is located.
Really?? I drink once and this is immediately what I get??
I was scared shitless. Hell, what if I had liver failure or something like that? How the fuck will I explain that to my parents?? Should I just go to the doctor and pay for my own checkups? Damn it, why the hell is this happening to me?
I practically complained to God telling Him that other people drink all the time and they don’t experience this, while I do this just this once and this is immediately what I get?? This is so not fair!
I had those pains for about a week or so. I asked my friends who were studying medicine and they said that it was normal since it was my first time drinking. Tho, the pain shouldn’t have lasted that long.
I figured maybe it was because I drank too much and it was all various hard drinks.
So, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really have fun drinking alcohol. Maybe other people do, but it’s not for me. I’m better when I’m sober. I’m more active and fun. Alcohol kills the fun in me and makes me too introspective. Drunk me is still overthinking and definitely a loner. Which pretty much sucks.
Well, in the end, one thing’s for sure:
I’m never drinking again.