Drug

Contemplations

I’m really trying to see you less than what I perceive you to be. That is, I’m trying to see you only as a friend and not someone whom I’ve given my whole heart to. But it’s pretty difficult.

I’m trying to move on, really I am.

But I’m struggling with it. I’m trying to place my mind on different things, but it keeps coming back to you. You’re like a drug. An addiction. I’m trying to stop, but I’m currently suffering the withdrawal stage.

I’m not as busy as you, so I don’t have much to juggle for me to free my mind of you. And, honestly, a part of me doesn’t want to.

This is where the problem lies.

I fucking loved you. I don’t know if you ever knew or really felt that, but I do. I so fucking do. I was crazy about you. You know why you always catch me looking & staring at you? It’s because I couldn’t believe that this amazing, wonderful, & beautiful woman is here with me right now. How lucky can I be?

I stare at you, admiring the the wave of your hair, the curve of your eyebrows, the glimmer in your eyes, the elegance of your eyelashes, the cuteness of your nose, the shape of your lips, the smoothness of your skin. That smile of yours that would make anyone melt in ecstasy. Your voice that makes me fall head over heels for you all over again. The mere brush of your skin is enough to send shivers down my spine. Every facial feature, every pore on your skin, every inch of you, I adored. I was burning that image into my brain. You were the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I loved our time together, the conversations we shared, the short adventures we had, our little dates, all of it. Your mere presence alone was more than enough for me.

I loved you.

I was serious about you.

And that’s why it’s complicated.


But I understand your reasons. I don’t want to make this harder than it already is, but damn it, I just need to express these things. If I don’t, I’ll explode. I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry about me. I can manage this. I will move on. I promise. Just give me time.

This is good because we now have this physical distance between us. Coupled with the scarcity of our communication, it’s a formula for moving on. I have no choice, but to move on.

The thing is, I don’t think I can be friends with you. Not right now at least. Because every time I see you, every time we talk, I fall in love with you all over again. The flames of hope sparks and is reignited within me. And I don’t want to hope in vain anymore. It hurts too much.

I’m sorry if this is pretty selfish of me, but I’m just so inconsistent. One second I’m fine with just being friends with you, the next I’m missing you like crazy. It’s unpredictable. See, after writing this, it dawns on me that I don’t want to lose my friendship with you. I don’t want us to stop communicating. I don’t want you to be a stranger in my life. Just imagining it is already sending a waves of pain inside my heart. I can’t do it.

Now, I just don’t know what it is anymore that I want.

I just want to be normal again. I want to be friends with you, but I don’t want to be in love with you anymore.

I don’t know if that’s ever possible, but I’ll try.
Because not having you in my life is worse than breaking up with you.

You were my friend first. I just want to go back to that.

Dear God, please help me get back to that.

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