Why

Contemplations

My chest tightens around my heart. I could barely breathe. The more I inhale, the harder it is for me to breathe.

It hurts. Every breath I take hurts. Every breath suffocates me even more.

Acceptance.

I’m struggling with it. Not when there are so many questions left unanswered. Questions whose answers I’m dying to know.

Damn it! I don’t want to look pathetic & desperate, but I need to know your reasons. Please, I’m begging you tell me.

Tell me why you stopped talking to me. Why you stopped replying to my chats & messages. Why you’re ignoring me. Why you’re pushing me away. Tell me, why you’re doing all of this.

Tell me, why do you have a picture of you and your ex hugging? Of you holding his hands? Of him kissing your forehead?

Why? Why? Why?

Why are you leaving me out in the dark? Why are you not telling me anything? Why did you push me away, but you entertained him?

What did I  do? What did I do wrong? What have I done to you? Where have I wronged you?

Have you stopped loving me? Why? When?

Did you ever truly loved me?

I need to know the answer to these questions.

Where was I lacking? What couldn’t I give to you?

Why did you not tell me about you and him? Why did you go back to him? Why? Why are you still pushing me until now? Why are you locking me out? Why are you treating me as though we were never friends? Why won’t you let me in?

What was the real reason for your sudden coldness? Is it him? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Why couldn’t you have told me?

Why do you treat me like I don’t exist? Like you don’t care? Like I don’t matter?


I’m trying to remember everything you said to me and comparing them with what’s happening now.

You told me you loved me. You told me you didn’t want to waste what God’s doing in us.

Aya.. what happened?

Please tell me. I swear I’ll understand, I just need to know.


I thought we cooled off because you wanted to re-prioritize and put Jesus first. You had that wallpaper on your computer saying “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I told you that I think what you’re doing is right and that I understood. And you told me that you know that it’s right.

But, this.. This I never expected.

The thought never crossed my mind. That you would do this. That you would find another. Is this really what your heart desired?

Sure you told me that your ex was clingy. But you also told me that you’re just doing it because you couldn’t say no to him.

You asked me if you should tell him already that you’re dating someone else and I told you yes.

What happened? How did things turn out like this?


You know I defended you from people’s judgments. I told them that you were different. That you were really kind and gentle. That you were only swayed by the company you surround yourself with. That you’re not happy doing the things you told me.

I would’ve caught a bullet for you, only to find out that you were the one holding the gun.


Truth be told, I knew about him. I knew that you were being close and friendly with him. I trusted you tho. I held on to your words. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I waited for you to tell me the truth yourself. I waited, but you never did. You posted the pics of you together, but still you didn’t tell me anything.

You had no intentions of doing so, didn’t you? You were already comfortable indulging yourself with his love and affection. There was no point anymore in going out of your comfort zone and telling me the truth. You wished for me to just disappear and vanish into the abyss.


Damn it Aya, I don’t want to assume. I don’t want my mind to run wild and present me things I’m thinking of to be truth. You’re the only one who knows what really went on. What really happened.

Please, tell me.


Remember what I told you back then, I’d fight for you, but the last choice would still be yours?

Until you yourself tell me personally, face to face, that it’s him you choose, I won’t give up. I won’t stop pursuing you.

But once you’ve made your choice. Once you choose him, I want you to do the favor I asked of you.

Please, don’t forsake me as your friend. Let’s please go back to being close friends. Like how we were before all of this. Before we became an item. That’s the last thing I’ll ask of you Aya.

If you don’t want me as your lover, I understand. But promise me you won’t deny me of your friendship as well. Promise me we’ll still be close friends. That I still get to offer you a listening ear and a crying shoulder. That we still get to hangout and go on roadtrips with the rest of the gang.

Please, Aya. At least, promise me that.

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