Truth be told, I’m better now.
Yeah, it was painful, but what made it painful was my inability to see my own faults & mistakes. Thus, I was unable to accept what was happening. I understand now that I had a lot of shortcomings, I’m still not sure whether those truly were the reasons as to why things turned out this way, but I’m sure they contributed somehow.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love her. I don’t think I could ever stop that. See, she became a huge part in my life, and I don’t think I could really get over that. I know she’ll always have a special place in my heart. Maybe I’ll love her differently, but, nevertheless, I know I will always love her.
Looking back, everything just came crashing down.
That was one hell of a month.
I was suffering anxiety attacks everyday, and I was beyond depressed.
I got laid off from my job, I lost her, I was having health issues. Hell, everywhere I look, things were a disaster.
It was hella exhausting. Every time I opened my eyes, I longed for the day to come to an end. But, agonizingly, each passing day felt like an eternity.
I was tired. I wanted everything to just.. stop. Things are happening way too fast and I couldn’t cope with any of it.
You know what’s worse? Trying to hide all the pressure and the pain under the pretext of a smile because it’s far easier to do so than to explain.
Home was the worst part. My parents would ask me why I was laid off, what’s going to happen to me? What’s my plan for the future? What am I doing with my life?
I know they meant well, but the timing is just too horrible. Their constant yapping & nagging made life harder to live than it already was.
Honestly, I lost hope. I couldn’t see anymore. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Everything was just bleak and pale.
Lifeless. Colorless. Hopeless.
But see, that’s the thing, time waits for no one. Time doesn’t give a rat’s ass if you’re suffering from a breakup, depression, or health issues. Regardless of your circumstance, time will continue to wind, tick, and tock.
You know why?
Because time has to heal wounds.
Time doesn’t wait for you. There are other wounds to heal. If it catered to only your hurts, how will other people cope? How can they move forward when you’re stuck and paralyzed?
No, time waits for no one because it has a job to do.
And one hell of a job it is.
Time heals all wounds. Just give time, time.
You know what’s funny?
Despite everything that had happened, I still love her. Really, I’m still captivated by her. I still adore her. I’m still in love with her. Maybe, not as much as before, since I’m trying to control it this time so I won’t get hurt as much in case it happens again. But honestly, if she’s to come back, I swear I won’t let go of her this time.
Do you hear me Ayana Quiros Merquita? I love you. I still do. And if you are to come back & choose me, you best be prepared. Because I won’t let go of you this time. If you come back into my arms, I will hold on to you for dear life. I won’t make the same mistakes again. I won’t hide anything. I’ll broadcast you to the world. I swear I won’t hold back. I’ll ask permission from your parents & I’ll introduce you to mine.
I will love you with all that I have and will all that I am.
Nevertheless, the choice is yours to make.
I still stand by my word, wherever you are happy, I’ll be happy for you. I won’t deny you that happiness.
Don’t worry about me if you are to decline me. Don’t think of me too weak to deal with things. I know, it’s kinda ironic to say this after all that I posted previously, but, see, I’m better now.
I can handle it. And I’m not alone on it. God is with me and He’s been generous and gracious enough to support me all throughout these past weeks & month. Because of Him, I’m able to see things more clearly and receive them better as well.
I just want you to know it’s okay if you don’t choose me. I’m fine with just being friends with you. Honestly, that’s better than going back to being strangers again & losing you altogether.
I want to reassure you that I bare no ill will against you. Really, I hold nothing against you. And I don’t blame you for anything. In fact, I should be the one apologizing to you–for all my inadequacies and indecisiveness.
But, going back, I still truly do love you. But I won’t go all out this time, unless, of course, you acknowledge & reciprocate my feelings for you.
I love you Ayana Merquita,
always and forever.