Push X Pull

Contemplations

How frustrating is it to do one thing, but it results to another.

Why is it that some people, when you chase after them, would distance themselves from you. But, when you distance yourself from them, would chase after you?

It’s quite aggravating really. Because here I am in a position, desiring to be with someone. But I can’t do what is innate to that inclination because she’d runaway and shut me out if I chased after her. And thus, I’m forced to distance myself from her, even to the point of acting cold and aloof, just in order to possibly win her heart.

Do you have any idea how suicidal that is? Do you know how much of a contradiction that thought process is? How dishonest you have to be towards yourself? How nerve-racking and hurtful it is? How it eats you up and kills you from the inside out?

See, I love this woman with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So, what’s normal for me is to communicate with her, tend to her needs, shower her with kindness, love, and adoration. That’s normal. That’s what you do for someone you love. But that has the opposite effect on her. If I do that, she’d act cold and insensitive. She’d be distant and apathetic.

But when I distance myself, when I’m the one who’s acting cold and insensitive, the one who’s ignoring her very existence, she would suddenly pop up into my life and make her presence known.

What the fuck?

What do you want?? Damn it, what do you really want? What more do you want from me?? I have given you my all. And if you wanted more, I would’ve laid down my very life for you.

Sigh…can’t you see you’ve hurt me enough already? Can’t you see I’m covered in bloodstained scars? Can’t you hear my voice cracking at the weight of all the pain you’ve induced? Can’t you see the tears I could barely hold back after bottling it up for so long?

I am so worn out. I’m exhausted beyond measure.


I love you.

Six months have passed and I still do.

But I can’t, because if I did, you wouldn’t love me back.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know how you can love me too.

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