Sui

Contemplations, Daily Life

Let me tell you what goes on inside the head of a suicidal, or some of them at least.

First off, no, they don’t really want to die. Unless they’re going through some really intense physical pain, then, otherwise, yeah, maybe they do want to die. But, most don’t. No, emo people are longing for love. They long for affection, for acceptance. They wish to feel wanted and adored.

Why You Shouldn’t Waste Time On Small Talk

Contemplations, Reblogs

Theodore Inquisitor:

I hate small talk.

I find it inauthentic and meaningless. But, for a conversation to level up from petty small talk, one must know the right questions to ask. And, more often than not, that’s easier said than done.

Again, it’s in the woman’s perspective, but you get the point.

On a sidenote, you should definitely read the original post. It’s awesome and explains what we want to talk about instead of small talk and the trivial weather.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

If I ever fall in love, it won’t be with a man who talks about the weather.

Sure, maybe it’s nice outside or it’s colder than it’s been all week, and that’s lovely to observe, but I’m not interested in small talk. I simply don’t have the time.

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Take A Bow

Contemplations

This song is just so hauntingly beautiful.


Take a bow ’cause you played your heart out
And take your time with working the rest out

Try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there

Oh, so what?
Maybe she could not really ever see you through herself

Don’t lean back, my friend
There’s not much there that will push you on


Try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there

The One Person You Never Really Get Over

Contemplations, Reblogs

Theodore Inquisitor:

This. This fucking article right here.

At the very mention of your name, my heart sinks and my chest caves in. My gut wrenches and I struggle to breathe. No matter how many days, weeks, months (maybe even years) would pass, the ghost of you still lingers inside of me. Haunting me. Gnawing at me from the inside.

I’m moving on, I swear I am. There are even weeks where I forgot you existed or you felt like a distant memory. I’m doing my best to do so. I’m trying to keep myself busy. I’m avoiding triggers as best as I could. But, damn it, no matter how hard I try, you always seem to find a way to get to me.

I know you’re not doing it intentionally, but fuck, why do you have to text me out of nowhere? Why do I have to see you when I park my car? Why do you have to look for me when you visit our office? I’m doing my best to avoid you on social media, but why can’t I escape you in the real world?

Maybe I just need more time.

In all honesty, I’m scared.

I’m scared that what if ten, twenty, years from now, I’d be happily married and then, out of nowhere you come waltzing back into my life. What would I do then? How would I respond?

I pride myself in being loyal and faithful, but having loved you so intimately and intensely, how could I be so sure that I’ll remain faithful and devoted to my wife? How could I be sure that these feelings won’t resurface and destroy the only thing I have left to offer?

I can’t.
Only time will tell.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

You’re not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were a defective toy that couldn’t be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and so sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn’t work.

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Incompatible

Contemplations

This is one of the hardest things for me to accept.
Maybe because it strikes a little too close to home.

Because it hurts losing her. It hurts because this means that I’m just not the one for her. That I couldn’t be the one for her. That I’ll never be the one for her. And she’ll never be the one for me.

That no matter how hard I try, all my efforts will be in vain because we’re just not compatible. And that breaks my heart. Because I feel helpless. Unable to prevent the constant drifting apart of our souls.

I’ve always believed that if you love someone, if you just love them hard enough, you’ll stay together. That if you just won’t give up, you’ll always be together. But, now, I don’t think that’s the case anymore.

And I don’t want to believe that because it’s like you’re not valuing it enough. Remember what they say? If you want something, you have to be willing to fight for it. But, if you just leave it all to compatibility, it’s like: “meh, I guess we’re just not compatible then.”

I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, but do you get it? It’s like, just because something doesn’t work out, all of a sudden, it’s now okay to throw it away. As though it’s something so easily replaced.

Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting that. Because I feel like it belittles love and leaves you helpless to do anything to fix it. Like, there’s no other solution, but to just give up.

I’m not saying there’s no hint of truth in those statements, there is. I know that there are things where you shouldn’t push yourself and accept that it’s just not meant to be, but when can you tell which is which? How do you know when to persevere and when to face your losses?

I guess that’s where the dilemma stems, you have these two truths, but they’re opposing one another. And now, you’re left with a gut-wrenching question:

Where is the line between compatibility and effort?

I just keep that to myself

Contemplations

I know I used the words “I loved you”

But honestly, I still do.
Despite everything, I’m still willing to take you back.
To welcome you back with open arms.
To love you more than you can ever love yourself.

Foolish as it may seem, I still love you.

But, I just keep that to myself.
I keep a lot of things to myself.
Like how every time I get to the office, I check the lights of your office window and wonder if you’re there.
How I get this nagging urge to talk to you whenever I see that green dot light up beside your name in the chat box.
How I try to stop myself from searching you in Twitter to see what you’ve been up to lately.
How I wish I’d get a glimpse of you whenever I climb the stairs to the office. Hoping you’d exit through that door.

No, I hold all of these things in. I keep them to myself.
I don’t say it out loud anymore for fear that it might drive you away.

Because, really, I should consider myself already extremely lucky to be able to see you and speak with you again.
How could I possibly push the boundaries even further and ask for more when doing so would risk ruining what little connection I was able to salvage between us?

But, still, even so, I write them here.
I write them here in hopes that when you start looking for me, for my thoughts, for my heart, for my soul, you’d find it.

You’d find it here, loving you unconditionally from the shadows.
Waiting, patiently, for you.