Incompatible

Contemplations

This is one of the hardest things for me to accept.
Maybe because it strikes a little too close to home.

Because it hurts losing her. It hurts because this means that I’m just not the one for her. That I couldn’t be the one for her. That I’ll never be the one for her. And she’ll never be the one for me.

That no matter how hard I try, all my efforts will be in vain because we’re just not compatible. And that breaks my heart. Because I feel helpless. Unable to prevent the constant drifting apart of our souls.

I’ve always believed that if you love someone, if you just love them hard enough, you’ll stay together. That if you just won’t give up, you’ll always be together. But, now, I don’t think that’s the case anymore.

And I don’t want to believe that because it’s like you’re not valuing it enough. Remember what they say? If you want something, you have to be willing to fight for it. But, if you just leave it all to compatibility, it’s like: “meh, I guess we’re just not compatible then.”

I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, but do you get it? It’s like, just because something doesn’t work out, all of a sudden, it’s now okay to throw it away. As though it’s something so easily replaced.

Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting that. Because I feel like it belittles love and leaves you helpless to do anything to fix it. Like, there’s no other solution, but to just give up.

I’m not saying there’s no hint of truth in those statements, there is. I know that there are things where you shouldn’t push yourself and accept that it’s just not meant to be, but when can you tell which is which? How do you know when to persevere and when to face your losses?

I guess that’s where the dilemma stems, you have these two truths, but they’re opposing one another. And now, you’re left with a gut-wrenching question:

Where is the line between compatibility and effort?

I just keep that to myself

Contemplations

I know I used the words “I loved you”

But honestly, I still do.
Despite everything, I’m still willing to take you back.
To welcome you back with open arms.
To love you more than you can ever love yourself.

Foolish as it may seem, I still love you.

But, I just keep that to myself.
I keep a lot of things to myself.
Like how every time I get to the office, I check the lights of your office window and wonder if you’re there.
How I get this nagging urge to talk to you whenever I see that green dot light up beside your name in the chat box.
How I try to stop myself from searching you in Twitter to see what you’ve been up to lately.
How I wish I’d get a glimpse of you whenever I climb the stairs to the office. Hoping you’d exit through that door.

No, I hold all of these things in. I keep them to myself.
I don’t say it out loud anymore for fear that it might drive you away.

Because, really, I should consider myself already extremely lucky to be able to see you and speak with you again.
How could I possibly push the boundaries even further and ask for more when doing so would risk ruining what little connection I was able to salvage between us?

But, still, even so, I write them here.
I write them here in hopes that when you start looking for me, for my thoughts, for my heart, for my soul, you’d find it.

You’d find it here, loving you unconditionally from the shadows.
Waiting, patiently, for you.

Date A Man Who Loves You More

Reblogs

Theodore Inquisitor:

And with tears in my eyes, I can honestly say:
I loved you more.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Date a man who loves you more. Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is. Fall in love carelessly. Start to think he must be the one, begin building a life with him. Become entangled with his family and him with yours, believe he will be the father of your children in later years. Date a man who loves you more because he will love everything you hate about yourself. The man who loves you more will rub your feet when you’re tired and take your cousins out for ice cream because he is simply that kind of man. He will abandon his plans to come rub your back when you’re sick without you ever having to ask. The man who loves you more will allow you to grow as a person without taking space. He will be…

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30 Things To Do Instead Of Falling Back In Love

Reblogs

Theodore Inquisitor:

Well, here’s something to add to my bucket list.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

When a relationship ends, we forget that the only objective available to us isn’t to get right back into another one. We see a huge, gaping hole waiting to be filled and we assume that it has to be someone else’s mind and heart and spirit that must fit perfectly inside of it. That we’ll just be a little bit empty or a little bit lonely or a little bit undone until we meet someone new – and even if we’re okay with that, it’s a problematic way of looking at things.

Because here’s the truth about that hole – it’s there. It’s real. It’s begging to be filled (spare me the innuendo). But it isn’t in the shape of someone else, it’s simply in the shape of what they offered us – be that stability, excitement, validation or understanding. There are an infinite number of activities, an infinite…

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Holy Shit

Daily Life, Throwbacks

Okay, so I just uncovered an old poem I wrote back in high school. Damn. It’s fucking horrible and hella embarrassing. At first I thought it wasn’t mine since the handwriting was off, but reading it, I faintly remember bits and pieces of the memory.

Fuck, was this the kind of person I was even back then?? Damn.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the poem:

5 Reasons Why You Can’t Get Over Your Almost-Relationship

Reblogs

Theodore Inquisitor:

“This is what enables us to feel so torn in admitting that no, you didn’t date, but you still kinda feel like you ought to call them your ex. Maybe not an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, but an ex-something. An ex-maybe.

An ex-almost.”

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

1. There’s no closure.

Humans crave closure. There’s an inherent desire for it — all the stories we never learn the endings to, the movies we never finish, the seasons of TV shows that leave us with more questions than answers so we turn to blogs and the internet to vent our frustration. We need closure in order to shelve things in our head and move on. But when you don’t get closure — when they drop off the face of the earth or suddenly spring a new significant other on social media —what do you do?

It’s hard to create your own closure, to grasp for signs that really don’t mean anything at all but to which we assign meaning. And it might seem ridiculous at first, like believing in magic or fairies, but sometimes, it’s the only thing we can do. We have to find meaning where there…

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Why

Contemplations

My chest tightens around my heart. I could barely breathe. The more I inhale, the harder it is for me to breathe.

It hurts. Every breath I take hurts. Every breath suffocates me even more.

Acceptance.

I’m struggling with it. Not when there are so many questions left unanswered. Questions whose answers I’m dying to know.